Anything

Screw the blog hiatus. I've had a million and one complaints too many bottled up inside of me and I just can't leave it at that for any longer. I just have to get it out, and if you have any intention of reading on, do be prepared to set aside a good chunk of your time and probably patience as this will be quite a long (probably daunting) read. So, here goes, in no particular order. Might or might not make sense as I'll likely just ramble on whatever that comes to mind.

1: Stress
It's the number one thing bothering me day in, day out for the past couple of months. And expectantly, its about the upcoming SPM exams. But it doesn't stop there. Some of you may know I'm easily worried or stressed out over all sorts of things, I regret that but I can't help it. Back to the stressors, they include my future plans, my past mistakes and ongoing flaws, apparent or not. I'll reluctant to elaborate much on them, but something might probably slip out as I go on. I know some of you are going 'Geez Teoh, some of your scores are inhumanely high and you don't seem to have a problem staying on a decent grade for the rest, why you shitting your pants for SPM?'. Simple, I'm a worrier as I mentioned earlier and even the good can fall to obscurity in a blink of an eye IMO. It happened before, and I'm deathly afraid it'll repeat itself at the most critical of times. Theres far too many factors to consider to even bother keeping oneself confident that one will get a great result for SPM. But shit, I try to anyways only have reality tug roughly at my feet and bring me back down to earth.

2: Relaxation: Or rather, the lack of it on my part lately. Whatever fun I had indulged in without a second thought forever ago now comes with a prefix. Guilty. Thats right, damn near everything I'm doing that isn't studies and that is meant to entertain me somehow feels like a guilty pleasure to me now. I can't enjoy anything anymore without having something in me go 'Aren't you supposed to be studying instead?'. Ugh! I will forever hate exams no matter how hard I try to like or study for it.

3: Puppies: Not your garden variety, cute and actually likable puppies. I mean those human puppies who can't seem to get the 'I don't like you, please stay away from me' hint. Most of you might know of one, and that's very likely the only one I'm thinking about.

4: Ego: No, not the usual complaint involving others' egos. This one involves my own. I feel its getting too big for my own good. Probably had a few too many praises and awards thrown my way. Supposed to be a good thing? Yeah, it is. Boosts my otherwise shit lousy self esteem. But with it comes a side effect I'm really uncomfortable with; Innocuous criticisms back then are no longer innocuous to me it seems. In other words, I get offended easier now. :/ I try not to show it, but it doesn't keep my state of mind peaceful. Sucks.

5: Uncertainties: Partially related to point 1. I do not like being unsure about anything, but uncertainty is ironically a certain thing to be encountered in anyone's life. I'm unsure of getting a string of A's for SPM, I'm uncertain whether I'll like my career choice, I'm uncertain whether I'm problematic or not, I'm uncertain whether I'll ever achieve some of the goals I set forever ago. Bothers me an awful lot.

6: Grudges: Yes, I hold them. I will remember nearly every bad thing someone did to me (And they seem to mean it to boot), but rest assured I will never use them against them when the time comes because I'm not the type who likes to dig up old shit and rub it back into anyone. But only if the only things you ever seem to do to me are negative. Not many fall under both the categories. Just to make things clear, I can count all those whom I grudge against with the fingers on only one hand. Not a big number eh? Also, it is why I'm never comfortable around and try to avoid certain folks. Whenever I try to, whatever negative situation they happen to be involved in that concerns me is magnified several times fold and makes me resent them evermore.

7: Music: More specifically, music embedded into webpages. Even more specifically, those in blogs. The last thing that comes to mind when I visit anyone's blog is to listen to what music they might like. It pisses me off when I enter a page and all of a sudden I'm greeted with some low quality 'music'. Please, if you want music on your page, at least set it NOT to autoplay? Or if that option's not available, keep your embedded music player somewhere NOT obscurely located in your page? Not everyone's music tastes intersects with yours, and its a bandwidth hog to boot.

kthxbai.